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I have told my most embarrassing story to only a few people in my life and was convinced to turn it into a blog post, and not just that but make an audio clip of me telling my story. I put this out here hoping that some people find it funny and realize that very few people have as embarrassing story as myself. I am a real life Ben Stiller and I often tell people this, I am always caught in embarrassing situations or doing things on accident that cause embarrassment.
So I share this story with you knowing full well some of you will be disgusted, some of you will be amused, and I share this story knowing full well it is my own humiliation that I face.
The written narration of the story is below, but my friend told me to make an audio clip and the audio clip is much funnier. So listen to the audio clip and/or read the story and let me know if you found it funny and amusing.
Leave me a comment, or shoot me a tweet @dragonblogger on twitter.
- The Airline Story – My Most Embarrassing Story
So you think you people have had embarrassing situations at airports? You know, some of you who kept a water bottle in a carry on bag, and security stopped you and said “What’s This Sir”, and you replied “Oh sorry, I forgot about that”, security says “you have to step out of line and finish the bottle before you can go through sir”. You say “Just throw it away I don’t need it” and you finally get through security. Occasionally, one of you might have a real embarrassing airport situation, where maybe two couples are going away on a romantic vacation and might pack some “extra” toys to help the situation. Security Guard might look at the x-ray scanner, spend a few moments lingering too long, and say to your wife “Excuse me ma’am, is this your bag?” You slap your forehead, and think don’t open the bag, don’t open the bag. But the security guard opens the bag and pulls out the metal pocket rocket that was hidden in there. We don’t allow metal devices on carry on’s, this will have to be checked. Meanwhile onlookers are all staring, trying to take pictures with their camera phones.
Those are normal embarrassing situations folks, but I am about to tell you a true story that will forever make you think, at least it didn’t happen to me. You will have embarrassing situations and forever realize there could be worse after I tell you this story.
It all started with a hotel in Jersey, and ordering in some unusual Spanish food. I had ordered a plate with shrimp and pasta with some sort of sauce I can’t pronounce. When it arrived in my hotel room, the florescent yellow glow of the sauce should have been an early warning sign. The grumbling in my stomach after eating it should have clued me in that I was in for some problems. But I thought nothing of it, there was a flight back to Phoenix the next morning. Arriving at the airport a little early, my wife and two year old son were with me while we waited for my flight. A little tugging and grumbling in my stomach, which I had just assumed was hunger acted like a reminder that I hadn’t had breakfast. Finally after three hours of waiting we were boarding the plane, got my 2 year old settled in his car seat on the airplane seat, wife sat down, I sat down while the rest of the passengers started to board and get seated.
This folks is where it all started to go wrong.
Just as the last few people were boarding and getting seated, I felt a horrible lurch in my stomach. I had that special feeling and knew I would not be able to hold back. “Excuse me stewardess” I had exclaimed, can I use the restroom. The stewardess had said “Sure” and pointed the way, I had just assumed that the plane would take off while I was on the Loo, and everything would be normal. The moment I sat on the john, my guts exploded, such fury, pain and literally I was blasting off of my seat. After a few minutes of non stop crapping, sweat was pouring down my face, I felt like I had swallowed draino, and was clearing out all 28 feet of my intestines at once. Then came some knocking on the restroom door, it was the stewardess. “Sir, are you almost finished”. I told her “I am not finished yet, give me a few minutes”. Then I proceeded to blow out another couple of gallons of crap.
What seemed like an eternity passed, when the stewardess knocked on the door again “Sir, can you step out of the restroom?” I said “give me a few moments, not done yet”. Then I hear the captains voice “Sir we need you to exit the restroom now”. I am thinking “Oh Crap”, two minutes later I hear my wife outside the restroom door “Justin, you need to get out now, they are going to throw us off the plane” I barely manage to finish and clean myself up. I flushed like 30 times to prevent backup and overflow, and patted some of the sweat off of my head and face with some tissues. I opened the door to see the entire airline staff waiting there for me. I was still sweaty and they swarmed on me, the stewardess putting her hand to my forehead and neck “He’s Aspirating” she exclaims loudly, security by now was on the plane, and they escorted my wife, my 2 year old and myself off of the plane and grounded the plane.
As I was led back up the ramp to the airport terminal, I endured endless questions, “what were you doing in the restroom sir?” “Crapping my brains out, ate some bad Spanish food last night” was my quick reply. I arrive in the airport terminal to see a paramedic standing there, he takes my vitals, examines my eyes, nose, mouth and ears. By this time my wife was pleading with the airline folks to let us back on, it was just simply bad food. Captain said he didn’t want someone on the plane who couldn’t make the flight. We pleaded that it was just some bad food, I was fine now.
After another 45 minutes, the captain finally decided to let us back on the flight, and we boarded the plane to the stares of hundreds of people. People asking my wife and I, are you alright, what happened? Why did the ground the plane? Meanwhile, I endured these stares and odd looks for 5 hours of flight time, and halfway through the flight, when I thought I had to use the restroom again. I buried it deep, and waited until we arrived in Arizona and were off the plane.
So there it is, simple bad luck, delayed 300 people almost 3 hours, got my wife, 2 year old kicked off a plane, had me inspected and interrogated for 45 minutes. Lesson learned here, now before I fly, I eat only the plainest normal food possible the previous evening. Like a simple burger or some steak, nothing with sauces, or exotic food. I literally keep a stash of pills with me whenever I fly now, in case something like this were to happen again.